Bullied who become bullies

Today on the news was a report that obese teenagers are not only more likely to be bullied (no surprise) but also more likely to bully.  In my experience, the victim can often become the bully in a different situation.  Understandable if they only know what they experience.  (Just as abused children can turn into abusers.)  If we follow the common logic which says that bullies come from neglectful parents then you can see the problem that we will run into.  One year they are parents of a victim - innocent good parents whose child is being tormented.  The next they are parents of a tyrant - negligent, brutal parents who have taught their child viciousness.  Not possible, people!  Bullies are bullies for many different reasons.  It is time to stop blaming the parents.  In fact, it is time to stop blaming the bullies.  It is time to look at the environment that allows this to happen.  And before you leap on me that I am blaming schools and once again allowing individuals to not take responsibility for their actions, let me clarify.

The environment that I am speaking about is not school.  It is not the home.  It is a society which does not make everyone responsible for his or her own actions.  The bully is responsible for what he or she says or does.  So is every other child in the playground or class.  So is every person in that office.  You are equally responsible if you stand by and do nothing.  Inaction is an action.  It is a decision.  It is your responsibility.  We all - bullies, bullied, and bystanders (to borrow a phrase from Barbara Coloroso) - need to create an environment that does not allow bullying to happen.  Just like drinking and driving and smoking have become socially unacceptable, bullying must become that.  People must stop looking the other way or searching for someone to blame.  When you have a disease, cure the disease, then look for the cause.

New legislation calls for counseling for bullies and the bullied - a good start.  It also calls for expulsion - a poor solution since it amputates the disease without regard for the child who is diseased.  Always remember that bullies are children, too.  The fourth part is that schools must support activities which promote understanding and acceptance of all.  This is also good.  But I strongly feel that they have missed the key ingredient in controlling bullying.  We must take ownership of the problem, whether it occurs in school, home, or work.  We must acknowledge it and accept that we each have a role to play.  If all the children report bullying as they would report a child with a knife, then bullying will be reduced.  We need to clarify, as a society, the difference between tattling and reporting a dangerous situation.  Bullying is dangerous and destructive, in some ways more dangerous and destructive than a weapon.  It is not hidden.  All the children and most of the staff are very aware of what bullying is happening. 

Bullying is being discussed in general term in schools around the country.  I suggest we take it to the next step.  Within the confines of each class, bullying needs to be addressed specifically when it occurs.  You are not violating anyone's privacy - the children already know what has happened.  Discuss the incident and come up with a solution that meets the needs of every child in that room - including the bully.  Remember the original study that started this blog?  Bullies and the bullied have a lot in common - low self-esteem, marginalization by their peers, lack of support.  What have you done today to stop bullying?

Preparing Students for the Future

As we start a new year, we should once again review the purpose of education.  One common purpose is to prepare students for the future.  Let's take a brief look at the current economy.  In Canada we seem to be following a trend of limited manufacturing (How could we possibly compete with the low wages of workers in India, Mexico, and China?), lots of natural resources and a huge growth in small businesses and service industries.  Just look around your neighbourhood and count the number of small spas, yoga studios, photographers, artists, cleaning services, daycares, website designers, graphic artists, electricians, business coaches, experts of many kinds, and many other services that did not even exist ten years ago.    The future is the property of the entrepreneur.

How are we preparing our children?  What are the skills that they will need?  Let's ask an entrepreneur.  I'm sure you know at least one.  First, they must be able to think outside the box.  They must have the organizational skills to put together all the pieces to make a business successful.  Many unsuccessful businesses happen because the passion is not coupled with the details.  Business plans, finances, market research - all necessary.  They must have the self-confidence to believe that they can succeed.  Without that, there is no sense to even begin!  They must be critical thinkers, be able to look at an idea from all sides and see the advantages and potential weaknesses.  They must have learned that failure is as necessary to success as falling down is necessary when learning to walk.  They must have the confidence to deal with failure and move on.  They must be empathetic so they can imagine what their clients will want.  They need to have strong interpersonal skills to deal with customers and employees.  They need to be firm in their convictions and respectful of others.



For your New Year's Resolution - why not give your children the education that they deserve?

No Room Left for Bullying

Mother Teresa: "I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there".  (Thanks, Janice, for this quote.)

Recently there has been a lot in the news and on line about bullying.  I have remained silent.  There is so much anger and aggression aimed at children.  I am not talking about the bullying victims.  I am talking about the adults responding to these incidents.  Somehow people seem to think that if we call someone a bully, we have turned them into a monster worthy of our anger and hate.  I cannot forget that bullies are children, too.  It wasn't until a friend posted the above quotation that I realized why I have been so hesitant to join in the fray.  I cannot support an anti-bullying policy.  I will whole-heartedly support a policy which eliminates bullying through all inclusion.

Bullying is omnipresent, as many have noted.  It exists at home, in schools, at work.  Bullying is used because it works.  It gives the bully two things every child craves - attention and power.   The goal of any environment should be to give these to all children without them having to resort to other means.  In a school which celebrates differences, there is no one left out - no one to be a potential victim - no one feeling the need to lower others in order to feel valued.  

Before we go any further, let me make one thing clear.  I am completely opposed to anti-discrimination policies which want to emphasize how we are all the same.  That quickly turns us into the automatons of "A Brave New World".  BEING EQUAL DOES NOT MEAN BEING THE SAME!  Sorry for the yelling but I am so tired of hearing people espousing how similar we are.  That completely defeats the point.  We need to glorify in our differences, our uniqueness.  Policies which celebrate other races but neglect to say that "caucasian" is also a race are still separating.  I, too, as a WASP would like to share my cultural dances and foods.  If I don't, them I am once again the "dominant race".   We need to be treated equally.  Sorry for that digression but I need to say it as many times as I can!

Our whole economic society is based on competition.  One of the first questions that a business is asked is "Who is your competition?"  We raise our children to be the best.  That is fine as long as they are compared only to themselves.  Otherwise they are being judged with respect to others.  That is the foundation of "not belonging".  We live in a society which considers, particularly for young people, belonging to be the latest craze or fad.  "Coolness" or "hot", depending on your generation, is determined by tv shows, celebrities, ads, essentially marketing firms trying to have the next big craze.  Shoes, jewelry, haircuts, clothes, games, language, and a million more etcs.  These make you "in".  Without them you are "out" and the "outs" are the breeding ground for both bullies and the bullied.  Why do we let marketers have such a profound effect on our children?  Why can't we teach them to be critical thinkers?  

The Best School for Bored Teens

The Best School for Bored Teens

The greatest waste imaginable is a bored student mind. Here is a child ready to learn, eager (hopefully still) to learn, in a school setting, and bored. Something is very wrong with this picture.

The best school for bored, and perhaps not so bored teens, is one which constantly challenges them. Instead of teaching the curriculum to the middle majority, the school focuses on teaching each child, encouraging them to go one step higher, no matter what the subject or challenge. Instead of teaching geometry from a book, the teacher gives the class a project or problem and lets them work on it at each separate level. Through collaboration, sharing final solutions, and guidance from the teacher you have an immense amount of learning happening and no one is bored. Also no one is lost. For though we all have strengths, we all have weaknesses, too. Even the brightest brain can encounter concepts that just don't compute easily.

The whole key lies in the way that the classroom is envisioned and organized. Many teachers, seeing a class of active, noisy students see only chaos. I see opportunity and growth. I am not speaking about the free schools of the 1960's for our school is founded on a strong commitment to the basic skills that children need to succeed in life. Communication (through literature, writing, art, computers), organization (through math, essay writing, reports), finding themselves and their place in society (through science, history, civics), gaining self-confidence and self-expression (through art and the challenges of each day to explore another facet of their world). Work ethic, morality, justice, and compassion are on-going as students and teachers work out ways to meet the needs of all and to encourage the strength of both the individual and the group.

Food and Math

Anyone who has ever taken a math class from me knows that food will be mentioned.  I always say that this is because, even more than video games, food is central to any teen's life.  Actually it may be that I find food very helpful because it is universal.  So chocolate chip cookies teach basic arithmetic; pizza is a natural for fractions; and, fruit salad was meant for algebra.  I have also noticed that the higher the math skills the less fun the food becomes.  Am I subconsciously trying to get the kids to eat properly?  Not sure about that one.  Maybe I won't spend time here exploring my subconscious.  That could be rather scary!

So then I was thinking about how to use food to explain common denominators for fractions.  What about a camping trip?  Or just your weekly shopping list?  Maybe we'll have spaghetti one night, shepherd's pie another, chicken cacciatore on Wednesday, fish next, and pizza on Friday.  So how does one make the list?  We take the ingredients and check the supplies.  But we combine the fact that Monday and Tuesday's dinners both need ground beef.  We reduce the recipes to the common ingredients.  You have to break down the big numbers until you get the common parts.  Break 1/3 into 2/6 or 4/12 (always smaller units) until you get to a unit that can work with 3/4, or 6/8 or 9/12.  And so we have a common denominator.

But then it struck me!  I am not only finding a common denominator but also showing that you need to put like ingredients together.  Ground beef from two dinners, tomato sauce from three, etc.  So I am adding like terms.  Algebra here we come!  Math is so great because it is so simple!  And yet can be made so beautifully complex!

My other passion is language where complexity is found in the innuendos and subtle flavours of words and their juxtapositions.  Math is so magnificent in its simplicity and clarity.  There are such strict rules and no exceptions.  I find it very amusing that students think speaking and texting are so simple and math is so hard.  The opposite is true.  We all know the messes that can occur with a simple misunderstanding of the words on a message or the tone of a note.  In math there can be no misunderstanding.  What you see is what you get.  There are no interpretations, no miscommunications.  2 + 2 is always 4, regardless of your mood, the weather, how much sleep you got, and whether the source is a friend or foe.  Math is pure and consistent in a world constantly changing.  It can explore the universe and still remain the same.  Anyone can learn it because, unlike our spoken language, it is a universal language.  It is based on some very clearly laid out principles and then everything is derived from that.

So back to food.  Math should not be taught as a series of recipes to be memorized but as a list of ingredients which can be combined in certain ways to produce something so much more.  Just as understanding the properties of flour and water can produce bread, pizza dough, gravy or glue, so understanding the basics of math can lead to algebra, functions, and calculus.  The more you cook, the better you become.  The more you play with math, the easier it is.  So join me sometime in the kitchen and we will learn some algebra.

Long live chocolate chip cookies!

Parent's Guide to Going Back to School

Another school year! Seeing old friends; making new friends; new opportunities, adventures, and challenges. The beginning of September is always an exciting time. Children are eager, nervous, ecstatic, or (outwardly) nonchalantly glad to be one step closer to being finished. Parents are eager, worried, relieved and hopeful.

Here are a few simple suggestions for parents to make the first few weeks of the new school year smoother. It is very important to acknowledge that there are several people all working to give your child an education. Things go best if everyone is going in the same direction. Much more gets done through cooperation. So the first point is to understand the separate areas of responsibility.

Parents should be responsible for having their children ready to learn. This spans all the way from being fed and well rested to supporting the school and teacher. Children, especially young ones, although it is also true for teenagers, pick up their cues from the adults around them. If an adult is disrespectful of a teacher then it will be nearly impossible for the child to learn from that teacher.

You know your child best, that goes without argument. So help the teacher to understand your child. But remember that the teacher has many other students whom she is trying to learn at the same time. Patience is required. The class each year has its own dynamic. It takes a few weeks for a pattern to be established. Be patient and help your child to be patient. Teachers are super people but they don't have super powers!

The child is your responsibility but the classroom is the teacher's. They are responsible not only for your child but also for the safety and education of all the children. They are also trained professionals who are using their education and experience to give the best possible learning environment for all their students. Compromise is a part of any classroom, or indeed any group activity.

If, however, the compromises that you feel you have to make are too big or too crucial, then you have a responsibility to your child to act upon this. You can discuss the situation with the teacher, the principal, or the board. If that does not give satisfaction then you might have to consider other options, such as home schooling or private school.

No system can meet all the needs of all the children. The public system strives to meet most of the needs of most of the children. If you or your child want something different, it is up to you to find it. The worst thing to do is to complain about a teacher or school but do nothing to rectify the situation. You not only waste everyone's time but your attitude will rub off on your child and you will merely fulfil your fear that your child will not be well educated. Education does not rest solely on the shoulders of the teachers. The parents and students are vital participants.

So pack up the new pencils and backpacks. Kiss your child as they leave the nest again. And keep your usual watchful eye open. Change what you can change. Accept what you cannot change. And be wise enough to know the difference. (Serenity Prayer)

Education Reform - Is it Possible?

Recently I completed my Masters of Education and the thing that really surprised me was to find that all the things I had complained about public education while my children and their friends were growing up had been discussed and commented on by education experts over 50 years ago!  If they knew the system didn't work back then, why do we still have the same system now?  Why does serious education reform seem to be impossible?  (I am not talking about the latest "flavour of the month" reforms which come and go all the time.)

There are, to simplify things, two main reasons change does not happen.  First, those who have the power and benefit from the current system are obviously resistant to change.  This might include bureaucrats, union members, tenured teachers, curriculum developers, textbook publishers, etc.  Second, is a basic human fear of change.  It doesn't work; it didn't work when we were in school; but at least it is familiar.  "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."  Right?  Problem with that is you are always stuck with a devil.  Staying with a bad system leaves no hope for a good one to arise. 

I am not really an anarchist.  I am not advocating completely destroying the public school system and scrounging around for a substitute.  I am saying that if, as a society, we truly want to reform our education system, we are going to have to give up some of the safe secure (but failing) practices that we know. 

A way to start is to ask questions about the current system.  Just take a moment and try to think of your answers and if they are relevant.

1)    Why do we put children born in the same year all together?

2)    Why do we teach the subjects separately as if life is compartmentalized?

3)     Why do we see learning in school as separate from learning in life?

4)     Why do educators seek standard best practices for teaching when each child is different?

5)     Why does the student who blindly follows orders and does what he/she is told succeed the most in school?

6)     Why is imagination, breaking out of boxes, free expression usually frowned upon in class?

7)    What does school have to do with life?

Reform will happen one teacher, one administrator, one parent, one citizen at a time, if we want it to happen.  Otherwise, we will continue to fail our children and our society.   Or we will remove our children from the system and let it die - which would be the worst tragedy of all.  Except the tragedy of sacrificing another child on the altar of the "same old, same old."  Private schools and homeschools are there because the system is not listening.  So yell a little louder!